One of the realities of life is that you don’t get to choose everyone you have to be around. You can choose your friends. You can choose who you spend your free time with. But you can’t always choose your coworkers, other parents, coaches, business associates, extended family, or people within organizations you’re involved with.

And occasionally, you’re going to come across someone you simply can’t stand. I’ve started paying closer attention to the personality traits that bother me the most. I’ve also tried to understand why they bother me and, more importantly, how I should handle these people when avoiding them completely isn’t an option.

There are three types of behavior that I’ve found particularly difficult to be around.

The Person Who Talks at Everyone

• We all know this person.
• They don’t really have conversations. They give lectures.
• They have all the answers. They interrupt people. They talk over people. They constantly position themselves as the smartest or most experienced person in the room.
• There is very little curiosity.
• They aren’t listening to understand what you’re saying. They’re usually just waiting for another opportunity to tell you what they know.
• I’ve learned that there isn’t much value in competing with this personality.
• You don’t need to prove that you’re smarter.
• You don’t need to correct every ridiculous statement.
• And you definitely don’t need to win the conversation.
• Let them talk.
• Your confidence doesn’t require their agreement.

The Person Still Living Off Past Success

This one is interesting because I’ve spent a large part of my life around athletes. Someone can have an incredible chapter in their life and accidentally turn that chapter into their entire identity.

Take the former professional athlete.

Maybe they accomplished something very few people ever accomplish. They played professionally. They competed at an extremely high level. That’s impressive and deserves respect.But what you accomplished 20 or 25 years ago doesn’t automatically make you an authority on business, leadership, parenting, coaching, investing, or everything else in life.

Past success should be a foundation, not an identity.

I’ve noticed something else over the years. The people accomplishing meaningful things today usually don’t spend much time reminding everyone what they accomplished yesterday. Their current life speaks for itself. It’s often the person who hasn’t built another chapter who keeps returning to the old one. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your past. The problem starts when you use your past accomplishments to establish authority you haven’t earned in the present.

The question shouldn’t always be:

“What did you do?”

Sometimes the better question is:

“What are you doing now?”

The Shit-Talking Complainer

This might be the hardest personality for me to tolerate.

• Everything is someone else’s fault.
• The coach sucks.
• The boss is an idiot.
• The organization doesn’t know what it’s doing.
• Their kid isn’t getting a fair opportunity.
• Management doesn’t recognize their talent.
• Someone else is always the problem.
• You see this constantly in youth and high school sports.

Parents will criticize other people’s kids while explaining how incredible their own kid is. They’ll complain about coaches, playing time, positions, schemes and politics. And if things don’t go exactly how they want, the threat comes out:

“We’ll just go somewhere else.”

• The same personality exists in business.
• Different environment. Same behavior.
• They complain about leadership, coworkers, customers and opportunities while rarely examining what they could personally do better.
• What makes these personalities especially difficult is that sometimes one person has all three traits.
• They’re the authority on everything.
• They’re constantly reminding everyone about what they used to do.
• And they’re constantly talking shit about everyone around them.
• That is an exhausting person to be around.
• So what do you do when you can’t completely avoid them?

1. Reduce Exposure

You don’t have to have a confrontation with everyone you dislike.

• Sometimes the smartest move is simply less access.
• Shorter conversations.
• Fewer unnecessary interactions.
• Don’t voluntarily spend an hour around someone when five minutes accomplishes what needs to be accomplished.
• Your time and attention are resources. Treat them that way.

2. Say Less — and Listen Less

This might sound strange because we’re constantly told to become better listeners.

• But not everything deserves your attention.
• I’ve learned that certain people aren’t worth sharing much with, but they’re also not worth absorbing much from.
• Be polite. Be professional. Handle whatever needs to be handled.
• But you don’t have to participate in every conversation.
• You don’t need to listen to 30 minutes of complaining.
• You don’t need to hear another story designed to establish someone’s importance.
• You don’t need to participate in gossip about coaches, employees, parents, kids or coworkers.
• Sometimes the healthiest response is simply not feeding the conversation.

3. Don’t Give Them the Reaction They’re Looking For

A lot of difficult personalities thrive on reaction.

• They want the debate.
• They want to establish superiority.
• They want you to agree with their complaint.
• They want another person participating in the gossip.
• Don’t give them the fuel.
• You’d be surprised how quickly certain conversations die when you stop feeding them.

4. Stop Trying to Change Them

This has been an important lesson for me.

• You don’t have to diagnose them.
• You don’t have to teach them self-awareness.
• You don’t have to explain why everyone finds them exhausting.
• Adults are responsible for their own behavior.
• Your responsibility is controlling how much influence their behavior has over you.

5. Let Your Boundaries Speak

When possible, make it clear through your actions that you don’t enjoy being around that behavior.

You don’t have to announce:

“I can’t stand you.”

• You can simply stop participating.
• Don’t engage in the gossip.
• Don’t entertain the complaining.
• Don’t compete in the ego contest.
• Don’t give them unlimited access to your time.
• Eventually, most people understand the message.

6. Don’t Become What You Can’t Stand

This may be the most important part.

• It’s easy to become arrogant while complaining about arrogant people.
• It’s easy to talk shit about people who talk shit.
• It’s easy to complain about complainers.
• That’s the trap.
• If someone’s behavior bothers you, use it as a mirror.

Ask yourself:

Do I ever do this?

• Do I talk more than I listen?
• Do I constantly bring conversations back to my accomplishments?
• Do I complain instead of taking responsibility?
• Do I talk negatively about people when they’re not around?
• Do I need everyone to know how much I know?
• Sometimes the people who irritate us the most can unintentionally teach us exactly who we don’t want to become.

Protect Your Peace Without Losing Your Character

• You don’t have to like everyone.
• You don’t have to be friends with everyone.
• And you don’t have to give everyone equal access to your life.
• But you should still control how you conduct yourself.
• Be respectful.
• Be brief when necessary.
• Set boundaries.
• Don’t participate in bullshit.
• Then move on with your day.
• The goal isn’t to defeat difficult people.
• It’s to become disciplined enough that difficult people don’t control your mood, your attention or your behavior.
• You can’t always choose who’s in the room.

But you can always choose how much of yourself you give them.